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You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?Chris Rock
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You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.Chris Rock
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You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something .. Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’ And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’ So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.Chris Rock
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I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.Chris Rock
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Women need food, water, and compliments That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.Chris Rock
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You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make senseChris Rock
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Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.Chris Rock
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Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?Chris Rock
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Men are as faithful as their options.Chris Rock
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Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.Chris Rock
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We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!Chris Rock
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You got a gun, you don't have to work out.Chris Rock
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If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.Chris Rock
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Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.Chris Rock
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If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.Chris Rock
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A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.Chris Rock
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Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.Chris Rock
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There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get.Chris Rock
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Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.Chris Rock
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I love being famous. It's almost like being white.Chris Rock
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.Chris Rock
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I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.Chris Rock
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The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.Chris Rock
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President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.Chris Rock
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You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.Chris Rock
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I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.Chris Rock